One of the best ways to understand the difference between negative sentiment and positive sentiment in a relationship is to think of sentiment as being 2 different emotional bank accounts. Let’s call the first emotional bank account the Negative Sentiment bank account and the 2nd emotional bank account we will call the Positive Sentiment bank account.
A couple experiences negative sentiment in the relationship when they have made more deposits into their Negative Sentiment bank account than their Positive Sentiment bank account. Every time a partner uses 1 of the 4 Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling), there is a deposit into the Negative Sentiment emotional bank account. Every time a partner is late for dinner without calling, it is a deposit into the Negative Sentiment account. When a partner forgets the other partner’s birthday or their anniversary it is a deposit into the Negative Sentiment emotional bank account. And when there is any type of affair or betrayal, that is certainly a significant deposit into the Negative Sentiment account.
All relationships have the occasional and accidental deposits into the Negative Sentiment emotional bank account. However, when there have been a lot of intentional deposits into the Positive Sentiment bank account, the relationship can handle that small ding to the relationship caused by the occasional Negative Sentiment deposit. For example, if the couple only has $10,000 in their bank account and needs a $9,000 roof, replacing the roof will nearly deplete their bank account. However, if a couple has $100,000 in a bank account and needs a new $9,000 roof, it is a lot easier to move forward with replacing the roof.
When couples experience negative sentiment their overarching view of their partner, and ultimately their relationship, is seen through a negative lens. It distorts the partners’ views of each other to the point where positive or neutral experiences are perceived as negative. Couples with negative sentiment do not give each other the benefit of the doubt. Here is an example of a wife experiencing negative sentiment. A wife needs milk to make mashed potatoes for dinner so she calls her husband to ask him to stop at the grocery store after work to pick up a quart of milk. He tells her that he will be home in 30 minutes with the milk. When he walks in the door 30 minutes later without the milk, the wife with negative sentiment says, in a loud voice, “I cannot believe you forgot the milk. We just talked 30 minutes ago. Isn’t what I say to you important? How could you forget something for your family that fast? You are so inconsiderate. Oh wait, I bet if 1 of your buddies called and wanted you to stop and pick him up a 6 pack, you would not have forgotten. Because of you, we will not have a side dish for the roast tonight.”
Having positive sentiment in a relationship helps to more effectively problem solve during conflict and generally see the partner in a more positive light. Here is an example of a wife with an ample positive sentiment emotional bank account. A wife needs milk to make mashed potatoes for dinner so she calls her husband to ask him to stop at the grocery store after work to pick up a quart of milk. He tells her that he will be home in 30 minutes with the milk. When he walks in the door 30 minutes later without the milk, the wife calmly says “Oh, that is ok, we will just have rice tonight with the roast.”
Couples must make small, intentional positive emotional deposits into their Positive Sentiment bank account to eliminate negative sentiment. Deposits in the Positive Sentiment account can be very simple and yet very meaningful for the other partner. Here are a few examples of great ways for clients to make deposits into the right account:
- Filling up the partner’s water bottle.
- Random compliments.
- Random thank yous.
- Offering to get the partner something while out running an errand.
- Without saying a word, join in and start helping when the other partner is cleaning the kitchen.
- When you are at Walgreens, grab that little $2 bag of peanut M&Ms for your partner, just because.
When there are more negative deposits than positive deposits, partners tend to question each other’s intentions and feel disconnected and lonely. When there are more positive deposits, partners tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt during conflict and maintain a positive perspective. The key is for the couple to achieve and maintain a ratio of 5 to 1 positive emotional deposits to negative emotional deposits for a little cushion and a healthy relationship (Gottman & Silver, 2015).
What are some of the things you can do in your relationship to continue to build positive sentiment with your partner?
Marilyn Verbiscer, MS, LMFT, BC-TMH
Couples Therapist at Thrive for Life Counseling
Reference
Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.